*pushes up glasses* Sooo, there's this site called Neopets. It was created by two bored college kids, for their bored college friends. It got big, like really big. If you go back, way back, before the "immersive advertising" and Happy Meal toys and the whole scientology thing, you'll find a different website. A simpler site, where you can adopt a Bruce Forsyth and feed him Rose Wine.

Bruce Forsyth isn't the only species that got the boot, unfortunately. There were quite a few pets that vanished from Neopia over the years.

Every day, as I'm brushing my teeth, I look into the mirror and ask myself - if I were an abandoned Neopets species, which one would I be? Eventually I learned to stop talking to myself with a mouth full of toothpaste, and just take a personality quiz like a normal human being.


Which of the following words feels the best coming out of your mouth?

Shelter.
Pastiche.
Crisp.
The fuck kind of question is that?

How do you take your coffee?

Decaf soy latte... oh, wth, I'm feeling crazy today. I'll go half-caff!
Yes.
Got any Mountain Dew?
Is it good coffee? Like, your idea of good coffee, or actual good coffee?

What's your secret?

I've called my boss "mom"... way more times than I'd like to admit.
This is embarassing, but sometimes I sing in the shower. DON'T TELL A SOUL.
I.. like the smell of gasoline? And I'm wanted in five different counties.
I don't actually want you to have a nice day.

Waiter! There's a fly in my soup. WHAT DO?

Eat everything except the soup? I can take it or leave it. Unless it's french onion.. then I'd send it back.
I ordered salad???? This isn't even mine?
Demand the chef personally apologize to me, leave a bad review.. and I don't care if it makes me sound like a ~bitch~ but I'm NOT TIPPING
I'll just... eat around it, I guess.

We live in a twilight zone episode where every personality trait is chosen from a menu. It's time to pick your hobby. Who do you want to be? (these are the only three options available to anyone, ever, for all time. We love a dystopian society)

Happy Homemaker"? That's like, learning to cook, entertaining guests, and doing something with yarn. It's fine.
"Outdoor Enthusiast". I get to identify strange plants and track animals. I like animals more than people, anyway.
"Fine Artist" is fine by me! I don't really feel like writing, or painting... can I sing?
I chose "Fine Artist" because it will give me plenty of time to be alone and write my manifesto for taking down this creepy social system.

Be honest with me. Did you even play Neopets?

GOOD NIGHT mr.coconut
I was super into it when I was a kid but I think my neopets are dead now.
My mom said it was a capitalism simulator so she wouldn't let me play. Besides, I was more into Webkinz.
Is that still a thing? Wasn't it all, like, scientologist propaganda?