record store dispatch


I worked at "Undisclosed Local Record Store" for a couple of years. I worked with some of the best people, I got to dance around and goof off, be surrounded by music and culture.

Most of our customers were pretty great. We also had the typical shitty customer, of course, but there is a rare breed of customer that frequents record stores.

Enjoy some choice custie interactions from Undisclosed Local Record Store, courtesy of me and my friends.

Note: at the end of September 2019, Undisclosed Local Record Store closed down for good. We were a decently sized local chain, and the store I worked at stayed pretty busy. There were a number of factors in play other than just physical media dying. The last two months were bizarre, but it made us all very close. I'm heartbroken, and I know I'll never have a job quite like this again. I'm soooo fortunate that I was able to be there, though. It was a very special place to be, for that moment in time. Scroll to the bottom of this page for a mini-scrapbook of our last days










Customer: Do you have a list of all the rock bands?





Customer: I’m looking for good music. I have a record player.
Me: Well, what do you like?
Customer: Everything.
Me: Favorite artists?
Customer: I don’t have any. I like everything.
Me: Well, we have some staff picks over here...
Customer: I don’t really like “that kind of music”





Me: Hey, did you need help finding anything?
"Customer": I know you've been watching me. I know your game.
Me: (backs away slowly)
"Customer": I know all about you. I know you've been trying to f**k me over, but I'm gonna come out on top.
Me: (has already walked away)
"Customer": I KNOW ABOUT ALL OF YOU.
Me: (literally not anywhere near dude)
"Customer": I KNOW YOUR GAME.

(30 minutes later)

"Customer": (throws a basket of CD's on counter.) Now you can put that back!
Me: ... dude, seriously?
"Customer": (to actual customers) Watch out for these ones. They've been trying to get me, they'll get you too.
Fed-Up Manager: GET OUT OF MY STORE.
"Customer": THIS IS HOW COLUMBINE HAPPENED. (leaves. phew.)





Coworker, on phone: Local Record Store, this is Employee.
Customer: Hi, Employee. Do you guys take Medicare?
Coworker: Do we take Medicare???
Customer: Yeah, Medicare.
Coworker: Like.. as a form of payment?
Customer: Yeah.
Coworker: Uh... no...
Customer: Really? Why?
Coworker: ...this is a record store.
Customer: Ahhh shi---[click...beeeeep]





Customer: Do you have any music CD's?





Customer: I have a movie on hold at Other Store. Can I pay for it here?





Customer: Starboy.. beautiful music, too bad about all that sexual garbage. That whole angel on the shoulder, devil on the lap thing. It's like, heavy metal.. they're all Satan-worshippers.. and Donald Trump..
Coworker: ...
Customer: Clearly you can't speak on my level. I'll just take my stuff and leave.





Customer: I like your hair.
Me: Aw, thanks.
Customer: It's blue.
Customer: ... Viagra blue.





Customer: I'm looking for [name of movie]. You probably don't have it, because it's hentai.
Coworker: (searches inventory) Oh, it looks like we can't get that for you, it's out of print.
Customer: ...is that because it's HENTAI?





Customer: Do you have that Fleetwood Mac with Rihanna?





Customer: (purchasing a -new- copy of Tarkus by Emerson, Lake, and Palmer) Man, we made real music back in my day. Good stuff. New music, not so much. Not like your Kanye and Taylor Swift.
Me: My favorite band is the Kinks.
Customer: Yeah, you kids.. (sighs) you don't even know.





Customer: Do you have that new Beatles movie?
Me: Ron Howard's new documentary, right?
Customer: Ron Howard.. is that the band that made fun of the Beatles?





Customer: I need a certain song, but I don't know what it's called.
Me: Oh, uh, do you know any of the lyrics?
Customer: No.. but I know "how it goes".
Customer proceeds to hum the national anthem.





Middle-aged male customer, every damn day: Do you even know what this is? (Waving 45 adapter in clerk's face)







Confused mom customer: Do you have any Mario games for PS4?





Cautious mom customer: I want to get a kid's game for my 8-year-old son.
Me: A lot of kids really love Minecraft!
(Mom comes back after a few minutes, places Black Ops III on counter.)

















to all the customers who brought us food - especially the cheesecake guy - & the customer who brought us Christmas presents & of course, everyone who treated us kindly: thank you! you give me hope.